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I am an immigrant. With immigration comes a period of adjustment, of reorientating one’s self in the world. It’s bittersweet – because there’s so much to explore and experience, but I’m doing it on my own. (One wants to share the excitement, I suppose.)

Thoughts and emotions present themselves, and it’s in my nature to have a conversation with these thoughts and emotions. Me talking to myself. My Roman Catholic upbringing, and the gift of a vivid imagination, taught me that things (gadgets, contraptions, stuff) can ‘hold’ a feeling, a thought, or a concept. An invisible thing can become manifest. So it’s with this in mind that I made a list of things that would, perhaps, make settling easier; things that would make navigating my new world a little less terrifying, less complex.

 

To remedy the thought I feel vacant and a little stupid a lot of the time, a pin badge that I’d wear wherever I go. It would read: “Hello. I’m new here. I don’t know what I’m doing. Please be patient.” Such a pin badge would facilitate interesting conversation (perhaps?), and it would help people to understand that the vacant expression on my face doesn’t mean “I’m ignoring you”, it means “Please be patient with me. I’m creating a new synapses in my brain that remembers how to do this new thing; whilst simultaneously retiring a synapses that is no longer relevant to my life. This may take a while. Sorry. (and wince)”

To remedy my sense of awkwardness, a read-o-matic. I never really know if I’ve inadvertently offended someone by saying or doing a thing. This contraption would read those around me, and glow purple whenever I made a faux pas. We could then laugh about it. “Oh look, it’s glowing purple. Did I offend someone? Terribly sorry. Please read my pin badge,” I’d say.

To remedy my feeling of invisibility, a teeny-tiny, real-live bable fish. Often, although we’re both speaking English, I have no idea if people understand my meaning, if they see me. I appreciate that I have an odd way of putting things sometimes, but the dim light I see in peoples’ eyes is perplexing. My read-o-matic would probably be glowing a stunning purple at that point. I’d laugh, point at my pin badge, hold my finger up as if to gesture “please wait a moment”, insert the little bable fish into my ear and repeat what I’d just said. Instant clarity. I’d suddenly be visible.

To remedy the mental fatigue that comes from doing mental gymnastics all the (bloody) time, a ‘how-to-adult-in-a-big-messy-complex-world’ guide. Meh. If I’m honest with myself, this is a thing all adults could use. Not because adults are stupid, but because navigating the world is hard (regardless of whether or not you’re an immigrant. Being an immigrant just adds another layer of complexity to daily life because there’s so much more mental gymnastics involved. And there’s more mental gymnastics involved because there’s so much that’s unfamiliar, too new. Until it’s not.)

People tell me to give it time. And they’re right. Time.

But what do you do with all the thoughts and emotions that crop up in the meanwhile?

Bleh.

 

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